Living for Our Children After They Are Gone

As mother’s we live for our children and we do everything for them and sometimes that even means doing to much they never learn to do for themselves. I have been guilty at times of doing too much and forgetting one basic important principle in life and that is to allow my children to make mistakes so that they can learn, grow and be able to care for themselves. I believe my daughter is the wonderful women she is today because I allowed her to go off to college and gain independence. I believe my youngest is perfectly capable of doing so much for himself because I sat back after I taught him and allowed him to do things for himself when needed. However, what can we do for the child that is gone? The child we were teaching, loving and caring for and now they are no longer here? The first Christmas without my son I was buying huge candy canes, lights and ornaments in a store to decorate his gravesite when suddenly I felt dizzy and out of breath. I believe I was having a full blown anxiety attack because I realized at that moment I can’t buy my son anything anymore. I can’t shop for him or cleanup for him or hug him, take him to school or watch him play ball anymore. I realized that all I had left was shopping for gravesite décor for the rest of my life and the over whelming thought and feelings brought me to my knees.

On my knees I prayed right then that God show me a purposed and show me some way to live with only his memory and use me to help others for him. God uses us and reveals to us in his perfect timing not ours. Everyone knows that no one grieves in the same way or at the same pace after the loss of your child. The steps of grief are like hurdles on a track so no matter where you are in your grief journey, always remember someone out there knows exactly how you feel, has made it through every hurdle and can help you. Living for our child after they die takes strength and perseverance. Depending on how your child passed you may choose to lobby for better laws, join a committee or research program, raise funds to find a cure, start your own group or chapter in the cause you feel strong about in your child’s name, start an awareness website or create a scholarship so that another teenager may have an educational gift in their memory as we did for my son. Whatever you decide to do, know that it will be with hard work but also may help you through your pain and struggles of living without them.

I believe in order to be a good advocate or voice for your child you must recognize your stage of grief and your specific feelings and acknowledge your pain is normal. Pay attention to your daily thoughts and accept both the positive and the negative. You must believe in your strength and know you have a new normal life that you have to live. Participate in whatever exercise or activity that brings you peace if at all possible, get moving and get going. Your child can live on in memory and spirit through you with whatever you decide to do. Your child would not want you depressed and in tears every day. If you have other children then you’re obligated to be a mother to them. I had a girlfriend tell me onetime in my deepest darkest hour that my other children deserved the same wonderful caring mother as my son had. That really struck a chord in me and although my grief journey and struggles and will be until the day I die, I know my son is proud of me and I couldn’t and wouldn’t want to live without his approval over my life.

I wake up every day asking God for strength and allow me to touch someone in need. If you reach out and bless another, your heart will begin to heal and you will be able to look at your child’s picture on day and know you have made them so very proud.

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How to Allow Yourself Peace in Grief without Guilt

Grief can be very overwhelming and leave us with feeling of helplessness.

Even with established stages of grief: anger, denial, bargaining, and acceptance, we still are unique individuals and can experience so many different levels of pain.

The first year you can experience all stages of grief but my experience is not all stages last equally in amounts of time. No two people are alike in grief. I wish someone would have told me about just some of the feelings that I would go through and that were possible and I wish I had known then what I realize now. So, I hope sharing this experience will make peace of mind easier to find for you. 

You will feel like your life is over and the world doesn’t care about your child anymore. I can assure your life does go on even though you may not feel like you want it to. The life you will call your “New Normal” will slowly begin. You may find yourself sitting for hours and nothing gets done, but it’s okay as long as you can continue to care for yourself and the others that truly need your attention. 

No matter how bad a day feels, it is only one day.  When you go to sleep crying, you will wake up with the power to make a choice on how you want to live that day. Wake up tomorrow and say out loud. Today I choose to live the way (name) would want me to. I choose to remember one happy memory. Grief comes and goes like a vicious roller coaster. One day you can talk about your child and the next day you can’t speak or hear their name without having a break down. This is all part of your new normal life. 

Don’t forget, it's okay to cry. Do it often. But don’t forget it’s okay to laugh, too. Don't feel guilty for feeling positive emotions even when dealing with losing someone so precious to your heart. Monitor your self-talk for negative messages and replace them with positive ones. Even if you don't believe what you're saying, sending a healthy intention can work wonders. 

Try to take good care of yourself by eating healthy and/or going to the gym even if you don’t want to. This one is still a struggle for me and has been even though it’s more than seven years later. You may find that you’re doing great for a few months but that you then resort back to your old depressive ways. It happens, but as long as you get back on track, you will be okay.  

Don't shut people out of your life or hide from them how you’re feeling. You will lose relationships and gain relationships during your life. Some people will surprise you, for the good and for the bad, but remember those that love you can be hurt if you don’t allow them to help you. Sometimes they don’t know how to deal with their pain so they will reach out to you. Don’t cut yourself off from their reach. They need your touch and you need theirs. Reach out to others. This can seem daunting, especially when you don't even have the energy to get out of bed. But keep the phone or computer handy and reach out as much as you can to those you love and trust. Remember you can only reach out and if they can’t deal with your pain then let them go. This problem they have is with themselves and more than likely goes deeper than your relationship. 

God will be there for you and it’s okay to cry out to him. He will never, ever let you down. He will let you scream, cry, and question. Throw all your emotions at Him. He is near to the brokenhearted. Blaming God for your loss will not bring them back but can hinder your spirit and healing and those around you.

Take time to truly remember the precious life you lost. Write about him or her, go back to all your memories with them in all the good times you had. It will help, this is how I started to heal. Dealing with the grief head on is better than running from it or denying it. Don't hide from the pain. If you do hide from it will fester, grow and it will consume you. It could turn into a worse issue than you ever intended. If family tells you it’s time to get help, don’t ignore them or worse get mad. Just go get help.

You will ask "Why?" with no answers more times than you count. What helps is prayer, asking God for mercy and strength. He will show you how to be strong. He will provide strength. You may ask “How?” But it is probably better to ask not how did they die but how did they live? And, how can we honor them in memory.

You will try to escape grief by getting busy. You will think that if you don't think about it, it'll just go away. This isn't really true. Take time to process and begin to heal.

Food, liquor, drugs, hobbies, work, and other relationships will take the pain away and give you peace. If you are trying to use anything to numb the pain that can lead to other issues, danger or unhealthy lifestyle changes. I recommend you seek help immediately before it gets worse and consumes you.

You may be asked, “How many children do you have” it’s okay to include your deceased child in that answer. After all, they are always your child. I typically answer by saying, “I have three children and my middle child passed away.” I usually get shocked looks but I simply smile and continue the conversation. If someone is uncomfortable that’s not your issue, it’s his or hers.

It’s okay to enjoy your life without feeling guilty about living. You are alive and your loved one would not want you crying all the time. It’s okay to be angry as long as you can move past it. If you find yourself stuck in anger you should seek professional help. Get some sun. Withdrawing to a dark room can only hinder your progress. Try to sit in the sunlight for a few minutes every day. Vitamin D has a direct impact on brain functioning, and sunlight is the prime source of vitamin D.

Allow others to have a life, too, and have fun without you making them feel like they should be grieving. Every one grieves differently.

Depending on the circumstances of death you may find yourself wanting to blame others for your pain and this isn’t healthy. Whether it is at the hand of another or in my son’s case just a random accident with no one else involved, the pain is still there and the healing comes from within yourself and the strength you find in God.

If you have other children you need to continue to live strong for them. Don’t compare their talents, personalities or dreams; just support them for being them and remember their loss is a pain you may not see for years to come. 

Bryant Kite Scholarship Foundation is born

I can honestly say my son’s graduating class is the most unified, ntelligent, and warm and caring kids I have ever known. There were a large group of friends who pulled it all together and formed what we call today the

Bryant Kite Scholarship Foundation. www.bryantkitescholarshipfund.com.

The mission of the Bryant Kite Memorial Foundation is to give strength and courage to those affected by a loss of a loved one; to keep his spirit strong and ever present; to educate teenagers on safety awareness; and to provide scholarship support to students who best exemplify the outstanding qualities exhibited by Bryant during his time on Earth.

 

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