Can you communicate with the dying or Grieving Parent?

The very thought of someone dying, the death of a child or close family member most often creates fear and apprehension in people. The imagination begins to run wild and the mental vision of one’s own death or someone close or even dying can make our own mortality seem very real. Studies have shown that dying people are even isolated from society, even avoided by close friends and family because of fear.  Someone who has lost a child is often kept at arm’s length in fear of not knowing what to say or having to face their own possible reality that something could actually happen to their child is more than many can bear to imagine.

In light of this, it is easy to see why many dying people feel so alone and someone who is grieving their child feels no one understands them. This is certainly not the type of death most of us would choose and where you would like to be or feel if your own child died. Being surrounded by friends and loved ones is how the majority of us would choose to spend our last months or days and when a parent loses a child or someone loses their sibling, parents or close family member they need love and attention, not avoidance and disconnect. So why do we do exactly what we would not want someone else to do to us?

Why is it so Difficult?

There are several reasons many people have a difficult time interacting with a dying person and a parent who has lost a child.  The reality of their own death OR that of their own children, not having the time to become involved is not really an excuse because we make time for what’s most important in our life. You may just not have the emotional fortitude to deal with such an intense issue or may have some guilt over whether you could have done more to prevent or cure their death.

When someone is finding it difficult interacting with a dying person or someone who is grieving, the outcome is usually plain avoidance of them. You may feel the inability to maintain communication, make eye contact or show signs of being uncomfortable when face to face. 

Factors that may complicate an already difficult situation are whether the cause of death is viewed as socially acceptable such as suicide or AIDS. If someone is dying it may be just uncomfortable to visit a nursing home or hospital for you. Someone who is suffering may be difficult to watch or a parent who has lost a child is in an anger phase or depression which could leave you at a loss for words or actions. Any of these situation could alter and increase the discomfort loved ones already feel.

Open Communication

If the family and friends are nervous or uncomfortable being around a dying loved one or grieving parent and the dying person feeling abandoned, the grieving parent feels isolated and alone then how do we connect? Open communication is the easiest and best way to keep our family and friends close and active in our life.

Let the dying person or grieving parent know you are feeling nervous or uncomfortable, or whatever emotion it is that you have. Chances are they know something is wrong with you so why create a bigger issue. It will let them know that you are taking steps to get past it and to give them what they need the most during this time.

It’s easier to just ask what they need or expect from you. Some dying people will want to talk very openly about their illness and their impending death and grieving parents may just want you to listen without judgments. Some parents or those dying will want to avoid talking about the elephant in the room and choose to focus more on fond memories. Both are okay but knowing what to talk about during your interactions will go a long way. Some will not want to talk at all but may want you at their side to hold their hand.

Once you visit and see what it is you can do to help or support you dying friend or grieving parent, then offer to be of assistance by way of what is needed and what is possible for your schedule and life. Be honest about what you can offer. If you’re asked to visit daily and you cannot, then set a schedule you can live by. Offer to be there certain days of the week and do it. Don’t over promise anything but realize this is not convenient and it’s not meant to be. Someone grieving over their child will take a life time but the initial shock is more devastating than words can describe so be there for them during the most crucial months following their loss. You can send a card if you’re not in town or call once a week just to say hello and ask how they are feeling. If you live close by, work out a schedule with a group of friends so that someone is always checking in every few days. If you sitting with someone dying in the hospital or at their home because you know leaving a dying family member or friend unattended is not an option then work out a schedule. I have been an RN for over 20 years and I will always remember a beautiful 40 year woman with 6 children who was dying of cancer on my floor. Her wonderful group of friends and family worked out a schedule that was posted on a huge poster by her bed. She, the staff and those visiting could see the schedule and knew who was coming every 6 hrs. around the clock. Their picture was posted around the board and their names on their scheduled times. She looked forward to every visit up until the minute she died, which I was there for. If the emotional strain is more than you can handle, it’s okay….The important thing is to not make a promise that you can’t keep.

A parent grieving over their child will not be cured so just being available to talk may be all they need. Also, be honest about what you feel comfortable talking about. Once everyone’s expectations are in the open, the process of just loving and being there can begin. Finding a place where everyone is comfortable will help make interaction a good memory.