6 Steps to Surviving the Death of a Child

Who survives the death of their child? Do parents feel they even really want to survive the death of their child? The death of my child was the most devastating loss and pain I have ever felt and those that walk in a similar journey would agree. You not only have to live without your child you also grieve the loss of what ‘’could have been’’ as the years go by and their friend’s graduate school, get married, have children and build their future. Your life is forever changed and this life we call tragic is your new normalcy forever. You are alive and you can chose to live as though your life is now meaningless or you can chose to live again and keep your child’s memory alive. Your child will forever live with you but not in the physical sense but rather in the spiritual sense. You can learn to live through the grief and pain. I have a few survival tips to guide you through your painful journey.  

1. Allow yourself to grieve and recognize your emotions as normal responses to such a horrific loss.  You may experience all or some of the 5 stages of grief at one time or another. Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance. In addition to these you may feel guilty or afraid depending on the circumstance of your loss. If you want to talk, then talk. If you want to cry, just cry. If you want to sleep, just do it. Keeping your emotions bottled up inside will only fester up until you blow. It’s actually healthy to cry and without this first crucial step of embracing emotions you can’t move forward in the healing process. Any or all of these emotions are all part of grieving and everyone is different in how long they grieve. It doesn’t mean you’re a better parent if you grieve longer nor does it mean you’re not a good parent if you move through all stages in a short time. Everyone grieves and walks in their journey differently and at their own pace. At one time it was believed each step occurs in order and that has since proven to not be completely true.  While your impulse may be to blame yourself or take on guilt for not being there if it’s a tragic accident, try to resist the urge. There are simply circumstances in life and that cannot be controlled. Beating yourself up about what you could have, would have or should have done is counterproductive to healing. Grieving is a personal walk in life and even couples may grieve different and at a different pace.  Respect each other’s emotions or you could end up at odds over this so-called time table of grief.  You may be angry before denial and if fact you may never go through bargaining depending on your circumstances. Please allow your spouse their own space and way of coping. This will make your relationship a lot easier in this trying time of your marriage.

2. Take the time you need from stressors and lean on your faith. We all have outside stressors other than the immediate obvious loss of your child and even though nothing else seems to matter in life right now, we all have to face the decision to return to work, take additional time off, can we afford to be off work, when do I go back to church, when to continue a project etc….Some of us can’t bear the thought of working and facing our co-workers or staying on task when all we can do is cry while others may do just the opposite and work over time feeling the challenge of a work environment is exactly what they need. Don’t be misguided in thinking that by throwing yourself into work this will somehow heal you because in reality you are only avoiding the unavoidable. If you’re going back because you’re ready or have to financially then that’s completely different from avoidance. Don’t fear your company will suffer by you being gone because where the company suffers is when you return without the mental ability to concentrate on the job at hand; so go back when you’re ready. Comfort in prayer is individualized. I found that by asking God to give me peace and heal my pain was part of the reason I even felt hope in the first place after my son died. It’s my belief that grief recovery is difficult on your own and without the grace of God, it’s going to be harder to work through the pain, guilt, anger and depression.

3. Take care of yourself and then you can take better care of others. Some parents can’t sleep or eat while others over eat and stay in bed all day and night. None of which is good and something I still struggle with after 7 years. I am an emotional eater and although I am learning to redirect my stressors, it’s all a process and learned behavior. The key to success is surrounding yourself with a good support team. The death of a child takes a huge toll on you mentally and physically. The need for rest and proper diet is of course a necessity and easier said than done. If you’re having difficulty sleeping you may want to create a sleep time ritual or routine. I found bubble baths is the most relaxing ritual prior to bedtime. It’s difficult for most to eat immediately after your child has died and food was delivered for days by so many.  Everyone wanted me to eat but I just couldn’t do it. It’s later on that food can be a crutch and it’s a habit so hard to break. Some parents never regain the appetite for food and their health begins to suffer as well. Try to remember to eat for fuel only even if you have no appetite. Taking care of yourself is not just physical but mental as well. Some may need anti-depressants, or therapy. Some may never seek the help they need. It’s your mind and body and nobody knows you better than you! If you need to cope by way of medication then seek a doctor that can help you. There is no shame in seeking the help you need to learn how to live your new normal life. Work with your family physician or therapist you trust and feel comfortable with to find out what works for you and make a plan for treatment. I found there are many grief sites that will offer suggestions and others that give reviews on who and what worked for them. Even though we are all different, if you’re at a loss for direction it may be helpful to reach out to someone who has walked your same journey for suggestions.

4.  Evaluate friendships and other relationship. If we ever needed a friend in our life it would be after hearing the news your child has died. Allow your friends to be there for you. This is the only way they know to care for you whether it be cooking a meal, listening, running your errands etc…One of the most painful realities is the friends we thought we could count on just simply pull away during this grieving period. Some people simply do not know what to say. Our friends who are also parents may feel uncomfortable with the reminder that the loss of a child is possible. If you have friends encourage you to go through your grief on your own pace you should listen to them. If you have friends that push you to "get over" your grief and try to hurry you through your grieving process, you need to set boundaries. If necessary, distance yourself from those who insist on dictating and directing your grieving journey. Remember your friends and family are hurting too and have their own grief to work through so allow them to cry as well and work through their own pain. We tend to forget as parents that our child was loved by others and we aren’t the only people suffering in sorrow even if our levels of grief and loss are different they too need time to heal.

5. Keeping your child’s memory alive and celebrating their life on earth and in heaven. Our child is gone and the pain sets in so deep that it hurts for a lifetime but we can keep our child close to our heart and keep their memory alive in so many ways. You can host many different events from just family and friends to an open invitation for the public. A memorial dinner/gathering a few weeks after the funeral would be a great way to honor your child. Sharing memories, photos, stories and laughter. This event could be at your home, family home, the park or somewhere your child enjoyed going. You should consider a scholarship offering or memorial fund. You can combine the two if you prefer. My son’s classmates start a 5K run held annually in Memphis that not only brings everyone together honoring my son but also to raise funds for a scholarship that is given away each year to a deserving senior at my son’s high school. Visit www.bryantkitememorialfund.com for more information. You could also call the local University or high school to set up other scholarships honoring your child in his or her name. You can hold a fundraiser such as our 5K to raise funds to donate to a particular charity or project that was meaningful to your child. Think about the activities and interest of your child and what was important to them and look for ways to donate to a good cause. You can create a web page, Facebook page etc…..The social media has endless opportunities to spread the word. You can collect photos on your sites and stories as well. You can provide information on fundraising and events to honor your child. Birthday banners and announcements for your child’s family and friends. If you’re really creative you may want to begin the project for scrap booking, photo albums, and art work designs. If your child enjoyed art you can collect art and have it framed.  Scrap booking could be a family project that would allow siblings to feel they too have a contribution to their brother or sisters memory. I chose to write and in April 2014 my book Wake-Up Call was published. Visit www.wake-upcallbook.com for more information. Depending on the nature and circumstances of your child’s death you may want to lobby for better laws, or become an activist for a good cause. For example if your child was killed by a gun to may want to join an organization enforcing gum control or if they were killed by a drunk driver you may want to research joining (MADD) Mothers against drunk drivers.  John Walsh became famous after his six-year-old son Adam was murdered, he went on to help sponsor legislation to toughen laws on those convicted of violence against children and hosted a TV show focused on catching violent criminals and has made a huge difference in law enforcement.

6. Do whatever you need to do work through your grief in a positive way. Some parents have asked whether it’s a good idea to continue to celebrate birthdays in honor of their child memory and of course it is! There are no right or wrong ways to do this--if it would give you comfort and allow you to celebrate all that was good, funny and bright about your child, then plan a birthday event. You can invite close friends and family and plan a balloon release or have a candle light ceremony. You may feel connected by joining a bereavement group. Knowing that you're not alone in your grief and that others are facing similar challenges can be comforting. Bereavement support groups for parents are available in most communities. I found the National Organization of Compassionate Friends has local chapters all over the country and can offer you the chance to tell your story in a supportive, non-judgmental environment, a decreased feeling of isolation and people who validate and normalize each other's emotional. There are many National Conventions and Conferences held at different times of the year and you can simply go online to research what works best for you. Example is the National Grief Convention 2015 held in Indianapolis, IN April 16-18 and Compassionate Friends National Conference 2015 held in Dallas, TX July 10-12. There are also many forums online dedicated to giving support to those living with loss. Look for one that is specifically for parents grieving the loss of a child in order to receive better understanding of your specific loss. There are also many general grief website that too are very helpful such as Grief Tool Box. Facebook has several open and closed groups. Example for support for Mother’s who have lost their child is (SIS) Sister’s in Sorrow, Grieving Mother’s and the list goes on. Make sure however you are in a group that you feel comfortable. Some sights will display photos of their deceased infants and children so if this causes you an increase of pain do not join that particular group. If you have faith in God make sure you’re not asking to join an atheist group that could possibly offend you and set you back in your grief journey. The best advice I can give through trial an error is do your research and explore what gives you a positive outlook, hope and comfort.

  MORE INFORMATION VISIT: WWW.WAKE-UPCALLBOOK.COM

 

 

Can you communicate with the dying or Grieving Parent?

The very thought of someone dying, the death of a child or close family member most often creates fear and apprehension in people. The imagination begins to run wild and the mental vision of one’s own death or someone close or even dying can make our own mortality seem very real. Studies have shown that dying people are even isolated from society, even avoided by close friends and family because of fear.  Someone who has lost a child is often kept at arm’s length in fear of not knowing what to say or having to face their own possible reality that something could actually happen to their child is more than many can bear to imagine.

In light of this, it is easy to see why many dying people feel so alone and someone who is grieving their child feels no one understands them. This is certainly not the type of death most of us would choose and where you would like to be or feel if your own child died. Being surrounded by friends and loved ones is how the majority of us would choose to spend our last months or days and when a parent loses a child or someone loses their sibling, parents or close family member they need love and attention, not avoidance and disconnect. So why do we do exactly what we would not want someone else to do to us?

Why is it so Difficult?

There are several reasons many people have a difficult time interacting with a dying person and a parent who has lost a child.  The reality of their own death OR that of their own children, not having the time to become involved is not really an excuse because we make time for what’s most important in our life. You may just not have the emotional fortitude to deal with such an intense issue or may have some guilt over whether you could have done more to prevent or cure their death.

When someone is finding it difficult interacting with a dying person or someone who is grieving, the outcome is usually plain avoidance of them. You may feel the inability to maintain communication, make eye contact or show signs of being uncomfortable when face to face. 

Factors that may complicate an already difficult situation are whether the cause of death is viewed as socially acceptable such as suicide or AIDS. If someone is dying it may be just uncomfortable to visit a nursing home or hospital for you. Someone who is suffering may be difficult to watch or a parent who has lost a child is in an anger phase or depression which could leave you at a loss for words or actions. Any of these situation could alter and increase the discomfort loved ones already feel.

Open Communication

If the family and friends are nervous or uncomfortable being around a dying loved one or grieving parent and the dying person feeling abandoned, the grieving parent feels isolated and alone then how do we connect? Open communication is the easiest and best way to keep our family and friends close and active in our life.

Let the dying person or grieving parent know you are feeling nervous or uncomfortable, or whatever emotion it is that you have. Chances are they know something is wrong with you so why create a bigger issue. It will let them know that you are taking steps to get past it and to give them what they need the most during this time.

It’s easier to just ask what they need or expect from you. Some dying people will want to talk very openly about their illness and their impending death and grieving parents may just want you to listen without judgments. Some parents or those dying will want to avoid talking about the elephant in the room and choose to focus more on fond memories. Both are okay but knowing what to talk about during your interactions will go a long way. Some will not want to talk at all but may want you at their side to hold their hand.

Once you visit and see what it is you can do to help or support you dying friend or grieving parent, then offer to be of assistance by way of what is needed and what is possible for your schedule and life. Be honest about what you can offer. If you’re asked to visit daily and you cannot, then set a schedule you can live by. Offer to be there certain days of the week and do it. Don’t over promise anything but realize this is not convenient and it’s not meant to be. Someone grieving over their child will take a life time but the initial shock is more devastating than words can describe so be there for them during the most crucial months following their loss. You can send a card if you’re not in town or call once a week just to say hello and ask how they are feeling. If you live close by, work out a schedule with a group of friends so that someone is always checking in every few days. If you sitting with someone dying in the hospital or at their home because you know leaving a dying family member or friend unattended is not an option then work out a schedule. I have been an RN for over 20 years and I will always remember a beautiful 40 year woman with 6 children who was dying of cancer on my floor. Her wonderful group of friends and family worked out a schedule that was posted on a huge poster by her bed. She, the staff and those visiting could see the schedule and knew who was coming every 6 hrs. around the clock. Their picture was posted around the board and their names on their scheduled times. She looked forward to every visit up until the minute she died, which I was there for. If the emotional strain is more than you can handle, it’s okay….The important thing is to not make a promise that you can’t keep.

A parent grieving over their child will not be cured so just being available to talk may be all they need. Also, be honest about what you feel comfortable talking about. Once everyone’s expectations are in the open, the process of just loving and being there can begin. Finding a place where everyone is comfortable will help make interaction a good memory.