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'Wake-Up Call.... A Mother's Grief Journey' by Cherie Rickard: a Refreshing and Transparent Look at Grief for Anyone Who Has Lost a Loved One - PR.com

'Wake-Up Call.... A Mother's Grief Journey' by Cherie Rickard: a Refreshing and Transparent Look at Grief for Anyone Who Has Lost a Loved One - PR.com

Empathy: The Human Connection to Patient Care

Normal Vs Complicated Grief and When to Seek Help

When I lost my 17 year old son Bryant in an automobile accident July 12, 2007 my world came to a complete stop or at least that’s what I wanted to happen. What I didn’t realize is the leading cause of death among teenager are automobile accidents which meant there were thousands of moms and dads that have felt this overwhelming loss of life and they too felt that their world had come to an end. Unfortunately, we have no more power to stop the world from turning than we do from losing our child. We can do everything in our parental power to prevent their death but when it happens, it just happens and the world keeps turning without them. This made me so angry to think that someone else got up the next day after Bryant died and went on about their life and my son’s life was over. This is a common and normal response to grief. Losing a loved one is one of the most distressing experiences people face and losing a child is the worst. Most people experiencing normal grief and bereavement have a period of sorrow, numbness, and even guilt and anger. Gradually the pain will get better and it's possible to accept loss and learn to live in the physical world without them only if we accept our grief journey and have a desire to start healing in some way. I talk about ways to heal, get through the holidays and how to memorialize your child in my book Wake-Up Call. I had no intentions when I first began writing to turn my journal into a book. Writing my feeling down were strictly for me and Bryant. I recount my devastating call and all that transpired for months and years to come. When I was asked to put my writings in a book I knew immediately this would help another mother as well as help someone know how to help a mother walking in this same grief. I read so many books and reached out to anyone who would listen and little did I realize at the time but every single book and person gave me just a little insight to healing.

For some, feelings of loss are debilitating and don't improve even after time passes. This is known as complicated grief, sometimes called persistent complex bereavement disorder. In complicated grief, painful emotions are so long lasting and severe that you have trouble accepting the loss and resuming your own life even after years.

The grieving experience has no set time frame nor does to fit into a cookie cutter mold for everyone. The order and timing of these phases of normal grief will vary from person to person:

·       Accepting the reality of your loss- Do you realize what has happened?

·       Allowing yourself to experience the pain of your loss- Do you avoid the pain?

·       Are you adjusting to your new normal in which the deceased is no longer present?

·       Having other relationships- Have you made new friends or acquaintances?

If you're unable to move through one or more of these stages after a considerable amount of time, you may have complicated grief. If so, it may be time to seek treatment. When you tell yourself, I don’t want to move forward, this is a sure sign to get help. Treatment comes in many forms and can help you come to terms with your loss and reclaim a sense of acceptance and peace so you can live again.

During the first few months after your loss, many signs and symptoms of normal grief are the same as those of complicated grief.  Normal grief symptoms gradually start to fade over time but may not completely ever go away while those of complicated grief linger for years or even get worse. Complicated grief is like being in an ongoing, heightened state of mourning that keeps you from healing.

Signs and symptoms of complicated grief may include:

·       Intense sorrow and pain at the thought of your loved one whether the memory is good or bad.

·       Can focus on little else but your loved one's death day after day after months have gone by.

·       Extreme focus on reminders of the loved one or excessive avoidance of reminders

·       Very Intense and persistent longing for the deceased. As parents we will always long for them but this symptom would be continual day after day with little else to focus on.

·       Problems accepting the death or bitterness about your loss

·       Numbness or detachment from the rest of your friends and family

·       Feeling that life holds no meaning or purpose for you

·       Irritability or agitation and continued lack of trust in others

·       Inability to enjoy life or think back on positive experiences with your loved on

When to seek treatment

Call your doctor if you've recently lost a loved one and feel such profound disbelief, hopelessness or intense yearning for your loved one that you can't function in daily life, or if intense grief doesn't improve over time. Parents may take months to a few years and this is expected and normal grief. Get help if over time, you continue to:

·       Have trouble carrying out normal routines

·       Withdraw from social activities

·       Experience depression or deep sadness

·       Have thoughts of guilt or self-blame

·       Believe that you did something wrong or could have prevented the death

·       Have lost your sense of purpose in life

·       Feel life isn't worth living without your loved one

·       Wish you had died along with your loved one

I will admit I had most of these symptoms within a few months of losing my Bryant but where it becomes complicated grief, is when these symptoms never go away or get worse not better over time.

If you have thoughts of suicide

Since my book Wake-Up Call was published in April I have had an overwhelming response from so many who have reached out to me letting me know how much my book has helped them and how much they appreciate my word and guidance. This has been the best healing I could have ever had. To help another mother in her grief journey is my purpose in life. Although I never considered suicide, I know a parent can hurt so bad that they feel this is the only option in life. At times, people with complicated grief may consider suicide. If you're thinking about suicide, talk to someone you trust. If you think you may act on suicidal feelings, call 911 or your local emergency services number right away. Or call a suicide hotline number. In the United States, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 800-273-TALK (800-273-8255) to reach a trained counselor. There are so many ways to live for your child after they are gone. I wrote over a dozen articles in hopes I can help just one parent in their walk through grief. If you know someone who is in complicated grief, reach out and try to guide them in the right direction, even if it means you go with them to seek the help they need.

For more information and free resources visit: http://wake-upcallbook.com

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Living for Our Children After They Are Gone

As mother’s we live for our children and we do everything for them and sometimes that even means doing to much they never learn to do for themselves. I have been guilty at times of doing too much and forgetting one basic important principle in life and that is to allow my children to make mistakes so that they can learn, grow and be able to care for themselves. I believe my daughter is the wonderful women she is today because I allowed her to go off to college and gain independence. I believe my youngest is perfectly capable of doing so much for himself because I sat back after I taught him and allowed him to do things for himself when needed. However, what can we do for the child that is gone? The child we were teaching, loving and caring for and now they are no longer here? The first Christmas without my son I was buying huge candy canes, lights and ornaments in a store to decorate his gravesite when suddenly I felt dizzy and out of breath. I believe I was having a full blown anxiety attack because I realized at that moment I can’t buy my son anything anymore. I can’t shop for him or cleanup for him or hug him, take him to school or watch him play ball anymore. I realized that all I had left was shopping for gravesite décor for the rest of my life and the over whelming thought and feelings brought me to my knees.

On my knees I prayed right then that God show me a purposed and show me some way to live with only his memory and use me to help others for him. God uses us and reveals to us in his perfect timing not ours. Everyone knows that no one grieves in the same way or at the same pace after the loss of your child. The steps of grief are like hurdles on a track so no matter where you are in your grief journey, always remember someone out there knows exactly how you feel, has made it through every hurdle and can help you. Living for our child after they die takes strength and perseverance. Depending on how your child passed you may choose to lobby for better laws, join a committee or research program, raise funds to find a cure, start your own group or chapter in the cause you feel strong about in your child’s name, start an awareness website or create a scholarship so that another teenager may have an educational gift in their memory as we did for my son. Whatever you decide to do, know that it will be with hard work but also may help you through your pain and struggles of living without them.

I believe in order to be a good advocate or voice for your child you must recognize your stage of grief and your specific feelings and acknowledge your pain is normal. Pay attention to your daily thoughts and accept both the positive and the negative. You must believe in your strength and know you have a new normal life that you have to live. Participate in whatever exercise or activity that brings you peace if at all possible, get moving and get going. Your child can live on in memory and spirit through you with whatever you decide to do. Your child would not want you depressed and in tears every day. If you have other children then you’re obligated to be a mother to them. I had a girlfriend tell me onetime in my deepest darkest hour that my other children deserved the same wonderful caring mother as my son had. That really struck a chord in me and although my grief journey and struggles and will be until the day I die, I know my son is proud of me and I couldn’t and wouldn’t want to live without his approval over my life.

I wake up every day asking God for strength and allow me to touch someone in need. If you reach out and bless another, your heart will begin to heal and you will be able to look at your child’s picture on day and know you have made them so very proud.

Like me on Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/wakeupcallbycherierickard

 

How to Allow Yourself Peace in Grief without Guilt

Grief can be very overwhelming and leave us with feeling of helplessness.

Even with established stages of grief: anger, denial, bargaining, and acceptance, we still are unique individuals and can experience so many different levels of pain.

The first year you can experience all stages of grief but my experience is not all stages last equally in amounts of time. No two people are alike in grief. I wish someone would have told me about just some of the feelings that I would go through and that were possible and I wish I had known then what I realize now. So, I hope sharing this experience will make peace of mind easier to find for you. 

You will feel like your life is over and the world doesn’t care about your child anymore. I can assure your life does go on even though you may not feel like you want it to. The life you will call your “New Normal” will slowly begin. You may find yourself sitting for hours and nothing gets done, but it’s okay as long as you can continue to care for yourself and the others that truly need your attention. 

No matter how bad a day feels, it is only one day.  When you go to sleep crying, you will wake up with the power to make a choice on how you want to live that day. Wake up tomorrow and say out loud. Today I choose to live the way (name) would want me to. I choose to remember one happy memory. Grief comes and goes like a vicious roller coaster. One day you can talk about your child and the next day you can’t speak or hear their name without having a break down. This is all part of your new normal life. 

Don’t forget, it's okay to cry. Do it often. But don’t forget it’s okay to laugh, too. Don't feel guilty for feeling positive emotions even when dealing with losing someone so precious to your heart. Monitor your self-talk for negative messages and replace them with positive ones. Even if you don't believe what you're saying, sending a healthy intention can work wonders. 

Try to take good care of yourself by eating healthy and/or going to the gym even if you don’t want to. This one is still a struggle for me and has been even though it’s more than seven years later. You may find that you’re doing great for a few months but that you then resort back to your old depressive ways. It happens, but as long as you get back on track, you will be okay.  

Don't shut people out of your life or hide from them how you’re feeling. You will lose relationships and gain relationships during your life. Some people will surprise you, for the good and for the bad, but remember those that love you can be hurt if you don’t allow them to help you. Sometimes they don’t know how to deal with their pain so they will reach out to you. Don’t cut yourself off from their reach. They need your touch and you need theirs. Reach out to others. This can seem daunting, especially when you don't even have the energy to get out of bed. But keep the phone or computer handy and reach out as much as you can to those you love and trust. Remember you can only reach out and if they can’t deal with your pain then let them go. This problem they have is with themselves and more than likely goes deeper than your relationship. 

God will be there for you and it’s okay to cry out to him. He will never, ever let you down. He will let you scream, cry, and question. Throw all your emotions at Him. He is near to the brokenhearted. Blaming God for your loss will not bring them back but can hinder your spirit and healing and those around you.

Take time to truly remember the precious life you lost. Write about him or her, go back to all your memories with them in all the good times you had. It will help, this is how I started to heal. Dealing with the grief head on is better than running from it or denying it. Don't hide from the pain. If you do hide from it will fester, grow and it will consume you. It could turn into a worse issue than you ever intended. If family tells you it’s time to get help, don’t ignore them or worse get mad. Just go get help.

You will ask "Why?" with no answers more times than you count. What helps is prayer, asking God for mercy and strength. He will show you how to be strong. He will provide strength. You may ask “How?” But it is probably better to ask not how did they die but how did they live? And, how can we honor them in memory.

You will try to escape grief by getting busy. You will think that if you don't think about it, it'll just go away. This isn't really true. Take time to process and begin to heal.

Food, liquor, drugs, hobbies, work, and other relationships will take the pain away and give you peace. If you are trying to use anything to numb the pain that can lead to other issues, danger or unhealthy lifestyle changes. I recommend you seek help immediately before it gets worse and consumes you.

You may be asked, “How many children do you have” it’s okay to include your deceased child in that answer. After all, they are always your child. I typically answer by saying, “I have three children and my middle child passed away.” I usually get shocked looks but I simply smile and continue the conversation. If someone is uncomfortable that’s not your issue, it’s his or hers.

It’s okay to enjoy your life without feeling guilty about living. You are alive and your loved one would not want you crying all the time. It’s okay to be angry as long as you can move past it. If you find yourself stuck in anger you should seek professional help. Get some sun. Withdrawing to a dark room can only hinder your progress. Try to sit in the sunlight for a few minutes every day. Vitamin D has a direct impact on brain functioning, and sunlight is the prime source of vitamin D.

Allow others to have a life, too, and have fun without you making them feel like they should be grieving. Every one grieves differently.

Depending on the circumstances of death you may find yourself wanting to blame others for your pain and this isn’t healthy. Whether it is at the hand of another or in my son’s case just a random accident with no one else involved, the pain is still there and the healing comes from within yourself and the strength you find in God.

If you have other children you need to continue to live strong for them. Don’t compare their talents, personalities or dreams; just support them for being them and remember their loss is a pain you may not see for years to come. 

Bryant Kite Scholarship Foundation is born

I can honestly say my son’s graduating class is the most unified, ntelligent, and warm and caring kids I have ever known. There were a large group of friends who pulled it all together and formed what we call today the

Bryant Kite Scholarship Foundation. www.bryantkitescholarshipfund.com.

The mission of the Bryant Kite Memorial Foundation is to give strength and courage to those affected by a loss of a loved one; to keep his spirit strong and ever present; to educate teenagers on safety awareness; and to provide scholarship support to students who best exemplify the outstanding qualities exhibited by Bryant during his time on Earth.

 

For more information or to Buy Wake-Up Call by Cherie Rickard visit: www.wake-upcallbook.com

 

6 Steps to Surviving the Death of a Child

Who survives the death of their child? Do parents feel they even really want to survive the death of their child? The death of my child was the most devastating loss and pain I have ever felt and those that walk in a similar journey would agree. You not only have to live without your child you also grieve the loss of what ‘’could have been’’ as the years go by and their friend’s graduate school, get married, have children and build their future. Your life is forever changed and this life we call tragic is your new normalcy forever. You are alive and you can chose to live as though your life is now meaningless or you can chose to live again and keep your child’s memory alive. Your child will forever live with you but not in the physical sense but rather in the spiritual sense. You can learn to live through the grief and pain. I have a few survival tips to guide you through your painful journey.  

1. Allow yourself to grieve and recognize your emotions as normal responses to such a horrific loss.  You may experience all or some of the 5 stages of grief at one time or another. Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance. In addition to these you may feel guilty or afraid depending on the circumstance of your loss. If you want to talk, then talk. If you want to cry, just cry. If you want to sleep, just do it. Keeping your emotions bottled up inside will only fester up until you blow. It’s actually healthy to cry and without this first crucial step of embracing emotions you can’t move forward in the healing process. Any or all of these emotions are all part of grieving and everyone is different in how long they grieve. It doesn’t mean you’re a better parent if you grieve longer nor does it mean you’re not a good parent if you move through all stages in a short time. Everyone grieves and walks in their journey differently and at their own pace. At one time it was believed each step occurs in order and that has since proven to not be completely true.  While your impulse may be to blame yourself or take on guilt for not being there if it’s a tragic accident, try to resist the urge. There are simply circumstances in life and that cannot be controlled. Beating yourself up about what you could have, would have or should have done is counterproductive to healing. Grieving is a personal walk in life and even couples may grieve different and at a different pace.  Respect each other’s emotions or you could end up at odds over this so-called time table of grief.  You may be angry before denial and if fact you may never go through bargaining depending on your circumstances. Please allow your spouse their own space and way of coping. This will make your relationship a lot easier in this trying time of your marriage.

2. Take the time you need from stressors and lean on your faith. We all have outside stressors other than the immediate obvious loss of your child and even though nothing else seems to matter in life right now, we all have to face the decision to return to work, take additional time off, can we afford to be off work, when do I go back to church, when to continue a project etc….Some of us can’t bear the thought of working and facing our co-workers or staying on task when all we can do is cry while others may do just the opposite and work over time feeling the challenge of a work environment is exactly what they need. Don’t be misguided in thinking that by throwing yourself into work this will somehow heal you because in reality you are only avoiding the unavoidable. If you’re going back because you’re ready or have to financially then that’s completely different from avoidance. Don’t fear your company will suffer by you being gone because where the company suffers is when you return without the mental ability to concentrate on the job at hand; so go back when you’re ready. Comfort in prayer is individualized. I found that by asking God to give me peace and heal my pain was part of the reason I even felt hope in the first place after my son died. It’s my belief that grief recovery is difficult on your own and without the grace of God, it’s going to be harder to work through the pain, guilt, anger and depression.

3. Take care of yourself and then you can take better care of others. Some parents can’t sleep or eat while others over eat and stay in bed all day and night. None of which is good and something I still struggle with after 7 years. I am an emotional eater and although I am learning to redirect my stressors, it’s all a process and learned behavior. The key to success is surrounding yourself with a good support team. The death of a child takes a huge toll on you mentally and physically. The need for rest and proper diet is of course a necessity and easier said than done. If you’re having difficulty sleeping you may want to create a sleep time ritual or routine. I found bubble baths is the most relaxing ritual prior to bedtime. It’s difficult for most to eat immediately after your child has died and food was delivered for days by so many.  Everyone wanted me to eat but I just couldn’t do it. It’s later on that food can be a crutch and it’s a habit so hard to break. Some parents never regain the appetite for food and their health begins to suffer as well. Try to remember to eat for fuel only even if you have no appetite. Taking care of yourself is not just physical but mental as well. Some may need anti-depressants, or therapy. Some may never seek the help they need. It’s your mind and body and nobody knows you better than you! If you need to cope by way of medication then seek a doctor that can help you. There is no shame in seeking the help you need to learn how to live your new normal life. Work with your family physician or therapist you trust and feel comfortable with to find out what works for you and make a plan for treatment. I found there are many grief sites that will offer suggestions and others that give reviews on who and what worked for them. Even though we are all different, if you’re at a loss for direction it may be helpful to reach out to someone who has walked your same journey for suggestions.

4.  Evaluate friendships and other relationship. If we ever needed a friend in our life it would be after hearing the news your child has died. Allow your friends to be there for you. This is the only way they know to care for you whether it be cooking a meal, listening, running your errands etc…One of the most painful realities is the friends we thought we could count on just simply pull away during this grieving period. Some people simply do not know what to say. Our friends who are also parents may feel uncomfortable with the reminder that the loss of a child is possible. If you have friends encourage you to go through your grief on your own pace you should listen to them. If you have friends that push you to "get over" your grief and try to hurry you through your grieving process, you need to set boundaries. If necessary, distance yourself from those who insist on dictating and directing your grieving journey. Remember your friends and family are hurting too and have their own grief to work through so allow them to cry as well and work through their own pain. We tend to forget as parents that our child was loved by others and we aren’t the only people suffering in sorrow even if our levels of grief and loss are different they too need time to heal.

5. Keeping your child’s memory alive and celebrating their life on earth and in heaven. Our child is gone and the pain sets in so deep that it hurts for a lifetime but we can keep our child close to our heart and keep their memory alive in so many ways. You can host many different events from just family and friends to an open invitation for the public. A memorial dinner/gathering a few weeks after the funeral would be a great way to honor your child. Sharing memories, photos, stories and laughter. This event could be at your home, family home, the park or somewhere your child enjoyed going. You should consider a scholarship offering or memorial fund. You can combine the two if you prefer. My son’s classmates start a 5K run held annually in Memphis that not only brings everyone together honoring my son but also to raise funds for a scholarship that is given away each year to a deserving senior at my son’s high school. Visit www.bryantkitememorialfund.com for more information. You could also call the local University or high school to set up other scholarships honoring your child in his or her name. You can hold a fundraiser such as our 5K to raise funds to donate to a particular charity or project that was meaningful to your child. Think about the activities and interest of your child and what was important to them and look for ways to donate to a good cause. You can create a web page, Facebook page etc…..The social media has endless opportunities to spread the word. You can collect photos on your sites and stories as well. You can provide information on fundraising and events to honor your child. Birthday banners and announcements for your child’s family and friends. If you’re really creative you may want to begin the project for scrap booking, photo albums, and art work designs. If your child enjoyed art you can collect art and have it framed.  Scrap booking could be a family project that would allow siblings to feel they too have a contribution to their brother or sisters memory. I chose to write and in April 2014 my book Wake-Up Call was published. Visit www.wake-upcallbook.com for more information. Depending on the nature and circumstances of your child’s death you may want to lobby for better laws, or become an activist for a good cause. For example if your child was killed by a gun to may want to join an organization enforcing gum control or if they were killed by a drunk driver you may want to research joining (MADD) Mothers against drunk drivers.  John Walsh became famous after his six-year-old son Adam was murdered, he went on to help sponsor legislation to toughen laws on those convicted of violence against children and hosted a TV show focused on catching violent criminals and has made a huge difference in law enforcement.

6. Do whatever you need to do work through your grief in a positive way. Some parents have asked whether it’s a good idea to continue to celebrate birthdays in honor of their child memory and of course it is! There are no right or wrong ways to do this--if it would give you comfort and allow you to celebrate all that was good, funny and bright about your child, then plan a birthday event. You can invite close friends and family and plan a balloon release or have a candle light ceremony. You may feel connected by joining a bereavement group. Knowing that you're not alone in your grief and that others are facing similar challenges can be comforting. Bereavement support groups for parents are available in most communities. I found the National Organization of Compassionate Friends has local chapters all over the country and can offer you the chance to tell your story in a supportive, non-judgmental environment, a decreased feeling of isolation and people who validate and normalize each other's emotional. There are many National Conventions and Conferences held at different times of the year and you can simply go online to research what works best for you. Example is the National Grief Convention 2015 held in Indianapolis, IN April 16-18 and Compassionate Friends National Conference 2015 held in Dallas, TX July 10-12. There are also many forums online dedicated to giving support to those living with loss. Look for one that is specifically for parents grieving the loss of a child in order to receive better understanding of your specific loss. There are also many general grief website that too are very helpful such as Grief Tool Box. Facebook has several open and closed groups. Example for support for Mother’s who have lost their child is (SIS) Sister’s in Sorrow, Grieving Mother’s and the list goes on. Make sure however you are in a group that you feel comfortable. Some sights will display photos of their deceased infants and children so if this causes you an increase of pain do not join that particular group. If you have faith in God make sure you’re not asking to join an atheist group that could possibly offend you and set you back in your grief journey. The best advice I can give through trial an error is do your research and explore what gives you a positive outlook, hope and comfort.

  MORE INFORMATION VISIT: WWW.WAKE-UPCALLBOOK.COM

 

 

Can you communicate with the dying or Grieving Parent?

The very thought of someone dying, the death of a child or close family member most often creates fear and apprehension in people. The imagination begins to run wild and the mental vision of one’s own death or someone close or even dying can make our own mortality seem very real. Studies have shown that dying people are even isolated from society, even avoided by close friends and family because of fear.  Someone who has lost a child is often kept at arm’s length in fear of not knowing what to say or having to face their own possible reality that something could actually happen to their child is more than many can bear to imagine.

In light of this, it is easy to see why many dying people feel so alone and someone who is grieving their child feels no one understands them. This is certainly not the type of death most of us would choose and where you would like to be or feel if your own child died. Being surrounded by friends and loved ones is how the majority of us would choose to spend our last months or days and when a parent loses a child or someone loses their sibling, parents or close family member they need love and attention, not avoidance and disconnect. So why do we do exactly what we would not want someone else to do to us?

Why is it so Difficult?

There are several reasons many people have a difficult time interacting with a dying person and a parent who has lost a child.  The reality of their own death OR that of their own children, not having the time to become involved is not really an excuse because we make time for what’s most important in our life. You may just not have the emotional fortitude to deal with such an intense issue or may have some guilt over whether you could have done more to prevent or cure their death.

When someone is finding it difficult interacting with a dying person or someone who is grieving, the outcome is usually plain avoidance of them. You may feel the inability to maintain communication, make eye contact or show signs of being uncomfortable when face to face. 

Factors that may complicate an already difficult situation are whether the cause of death is viewed as socially acceptable such as suicide or AIDS. If someone is dying it may be just uncomfortable to visit a nursing home or hospital for you. Someone who is suffering may be difficult to watch or a parent who has lost a child is in an anger phase or depression which could leave you at a loss for words or actions. Any of these situation could alter and increase the discomfort loved ones already feel.

Open Communication

If the family and friends are nervous or uncomfortable being around a dying loved one or grieving parent and the dying person feeling abandoned, the grieving parent feels isolated and alone then how do we connect? Open communication is the easiest and best way to keep our family and friends close and active in our life.

Let the dying person or grieving parent know you are feeling nervous or uncomfortable, or whatever emotion it is that you have. Chances are they know something is wrong with you so why create a bigger issue. It will let them know that you are taking steps to get past it and to give them what they need the most during this time.

It’s easier to just ask what they need or expect from you. Some dying people will want to talk very openly about their illness and their impending death and grieving parents may just want you to listen without judgments. Some parents or those dying will want to avoid talking about the elephant in the room and choose to focus more on fond memories. Both are okay but knowing what to talk about during your interactions will go a long way. Some will not want to talk at all but may want you at their side to hold their hand.

Once you visit and see what it is you can do to help or support you dying friend or grieving parent, then offer to be of assistance by way of what is needed and what is possible for your schedule and life. Be honest about what you can offer. If you’re asked to visit daily and you cannot, then set a schedule you can live by. Offer to be there certain days of the week and do it. Don’t over promise anything but realize this is not convenient and it’s not meant to be. Someone grieving over their child will take a life time but the initial shock is more devastating than words can describe so be there for them during the most crucial months following their loss. You can send a card if you’re not in town or call once a week just to say hello and ask how they are feeling. If you live close by, work out a schedule with a group of friends so that someone is always checking in every few days. If you sitting with someone dying in the hospital or at their home because you know leaving a dying family member or friend unattended is not an option then work out a schedule. I have been an RN for over 20 years and I will always remember a beautiful 40 year woman with 6 children who was dying of cancer on my floor. Her wonderful group of friends and family worked out a schedule that was posted on a huge poster by her bed. She, the staff and those visiting could see the schedule and knew who was coming every 6 hrs. around the clock. Their picture was posted around the board and their names on their scheduled times. She looked forward to every visit up until the minute she died, which I was there for. If the emotional strain is more than you can handle, it’s okay….The important thing is to not make a promise that you can’t keep.

A parent grieving over their child will not be cured so just being available to talk may be all they need. Also, be honest about what you feel comfortable talking about. Once everyone’s expectations are in the open, the process of just loving and being there can begin. Finding a place where everyone is comfortable will help make interaction a good memory.

 

6 Characteristics of a Genuine Friend

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We all have people in our life we consider friends but how well do you really know someone before you call them a friend? Do we use the word “friend” too loosely? We have many different relationships in our life and just because you know someone by way of a co-work, neighbor, friend of a friend we tend to refer to them as our friends. How do you really know who is a genuine friend versus a phony friend? As hard as it may be to recognize at times its important to know there isn't always sincerity that sits behind every smiling face. Today we live in such a competitive world where deceit is common so it's best to know who you are associating with and whether your best interest is being considered and their gestures are true.
Unfortunately phony friends exist just as much, if not more, than real friends. Just as the Prada purse you can buy on the street behind the curtain looks so much like the purse in the case at Saks it takes closer inspection to actually see the difference. Like my Mom always said, “You will be able to count your real friends on one hand when you get older”

 

1. Real friends will ask you how you’re doing because they really want to know. Phony friends are usually more concerned with their own needs than yours or anyone else’s. It’s okay to be self-aware but not self-centered. Phonies tend to ask you how you’re doing and as you are in mid-sentence they may interrupt to start talking about themselves. They are not really listening to you, but waiting for a break in conversation to butt in and talk about themselves. Next time your “friend” does this, call them out on it. Ex: “I’m sorry to interrupt, I thought you asked me how I was doing and I was answering you”

2. Genuine friends will call you just to ask how you’re doing, what you’re doing or make plans with you for a fun outing. Phonies only call you when they want or need something and they are very unapologetic about it. If your friends can't deem you worthy of their time enough to talk to you other than when they need you then your question is easily answered. If you want to prove your on to them you could answer the phone and say, “Hey _________, what can I do for you today” Chances are they are so self-absorbed they won’t notice. You may have those phonies that make plans with you with no intentions of actually carrying them though. To me, these phonies are the worst kind.

3. You feel more comfortable and can be yourself anytime your real friends are around. I am a firm believer that nobody can make you feel inferior or make you feel a certain way unless you allow them to, however it’s the gut feeling I am referring to when I say a fake friend leaves you with a feeling of emptiness and disconnect. You may even feel you have to act, dress or talk a certain way in order to be accepted. This is a horrible feeling and chances are it’s not you, it’s them and your intuition is zoning in on negative energy. Remember can only buy you materials, not class.

4.  You always have a genuine hug, call or maybe a card when you achieve anything special or have congratulations in order from your real friends. They won’t try to “one up” your every success. Real friends are supportive and they are constantly sharing positive words of encouragement. You win an award of excellence at work, or land a promotion, achieve a personal goal you have worked on for a long time. No matter what the scenario they will be there to pat you on your back and push you forward. Phonies are so opposite its plainly noticeable because they don’t like any attention unless it’s on them. They will hear of your success and try to pull the attention off of you and onto them in some way. They have competitive mentality with you and their other so called friends around them. When you share good news it should never get a response of “well guess what happen to me” reaction or embellishment of their story just to top your proud moment.

5. Real friends choose to protect your reputation at all cost. When you have a true friend they will never stand silent when someone is talking about you in a negative way or stirring up unnecessary gossip. A real friend doesn’t ride the fence when someone isn’t in your corner and then call it “I can’t take sides.” Standing up for a friend is not taking sides, it’s called good character. Fake friends will join in on the lies or gossip or stand silent in opinion even when they know the truth. I am not saying start an argument or make anyone uncomfortable, I am saying when faced in that situation a true friend will stop it before it starts by saying “ in ____________defense, she/he is not here to defend themselves or tell the story so we should save this conversation for another time.” Short and sweet and impressive. You will be applauded by the group!

6. Just as a real friend are there for you in the good times, they are also there for you in the bad times. In one time or another we will all be struck with a blow of tragedy in our life. You may be facing divorce, death of a child, family member or friend, bankruptcy, terminal illness in your family, total loss in a fire or storm or even a job loss. The list goes on to what can and could happen to each of us with or without warning. This is when a genuine friend is needed the most. If you are a real fiend then you know your friend better than anyone and you know what they need from you even if you have never faced what they are facing. This is not the time to disappear or make excuses. The phonies will shine brighter than stars during tragedy making your tragedy all about them for attention or simply walk away. When you go through tragedy, look around you and see who is there calling, bringing you what you need, caring for your needs, supporting you or listening with a shoulder to cry on. They are also very selfless. Spotting a genuine friend is easy if we pay attention to who is around us. Watch their eye contact when you’re talking to them. Do they see and hear you or are they looking around you to see who is in the room or waiting to talk about themselves. Their actions and body language will tell you more than what they say.

 Friends are more than just good companions. They are influential people in your life. They can either have a negative influence or a positive. They are supportive, caring and loving even when there is indifference. Be the person you want to be and you'll attract individuals with the same beliefs, opinions and values. It hard to be fake for too long, the true soul of a person always comes out in time.

6 Steps to the Power of Positive Thinking

When you set your mind on positive thoughts and strong positive beliefs then good things will begin to happen. I'm going to give you just 6 simple steps so that you can begin to get your mind focused on being more positive which will in turn attract more positive situations. When you do this you may have the power of positive thinking working for you. Whether you realize it or not your thoughts do have a direct impact on your life and those around you.

 

1. Write down every negative thought you have today. What is bothering you, who is bugging you and why is it haunting you? It’s important to remember we become who we hang around and when we think positive you begin to attract positive people into your life and the kind of people who will help you succeed. Thoughts that you regularly think about end up creating beliefs and you begin to believe what you regularly think about. What you think about, focus on and thoughts that repeatedly run through your head soon become beliefs. It is these beliefs that your subconscious mind picks up on and sees as a blueprint. Your subconscious then follows the blueprint and creates your daily life based on these beliefs and thoughts.

 

2. Take each negative thought on your list and replace it with a positive thought that outweighs the negative thought such as your talent, positive trait, person in your life, successes you have had, people who have had a positive effect on your life…. etc. The power of positive thinking is directly connected to your ability to remove, control or eliminate negative thoughts. Keeping thoughts of fear, worry, doubt, pain, sorrow and hopeless outcomes will eventually destroy your life. When we have a tragic blow in life we have to remember it’s not the blow that defines your future, it’s how we use that blow and transform it into good. Good for us and /or someone else. If you're not happy with your life, if things aren't going the way you want, then simply track your thoughts and uncover your beliefs. Replacing a positive thought or talent for a negative thought listed will open our minds up to what is really on the fore front of our mind.

3. Focus on what it is you want out of life exactly. Don’t change your mind day after day depending on the weather and what is easiest. If you want your real hopes and dreams to come to pass you must focus on them. Always remember our plans in life are not always God’s plans for us, so keep in mind unanswered prayers are sometimes our biggest blessings in life. Ex: If you want to have a better career then focus on how to obtain that career, research how to gain insight into that career goal, join a career focus group, take a class or become certified in the field your seeking, see a counselor if you’re a student, join social media groups and search for others that already show success in your future career and reach out to them as someone seeking a mentor. You will be surprised how people will help you when you approach them in a way of asking for guidance from an expert. Speak of your future career as “when I become (_____)” not if I become.

4. Surround yourself with positive successful people. I am not saying dump your friends and find new ones. I am saying pay attention who you spend a majority of your time with. Success is not always measured by outcomes. You may know someone very successful and they are also self-centered, egotistical and self-nurturing individuals. This is NOT success. Success is doing what you love, feeling joyful, sharing your success and surrounding yourself with good genuine people who you love and love you. Are your week days or weekends filled with others in your same rut or people that have gone out and gained success? If your mourning or grieving a tragic loss in your life do you find yourself allowing others to help you through your pain or latching onto people who are depressed and allow you to stay depressed? Ex: If your idea of success is to be happily married one day to the man or woman of your dreams and you spend weekends in the bar with your friends, then odds are against you! Ask the happily married couples you know how they met and how they keep their marriage on the right track. When your mind is filled with negative thoughts you end up attracting more of what and who you don't want.

5. Create a positive thinking pattern every day. When you wake up is your first thought negative or positive? Tomorrow morning, make a conscious effort to make a note of what your first thought is. Do this for 9 days and when your pattern begins to change for the positive you will be headed in the right direction. If you want to create a better life, if you want to enjoy greater success, happiness and enjoy more of the things you want, while getting rid of the negative aspects of your life then you have to eliminate the negative thinking and stop making excuses to keep negative thoughts.

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6. Positive thinking is something you should practice every day and that means eliminating the negative thoughts every day. You do this by what brings you joy in life. Do you actively pursue what makes you happy or just talk about doing it someday? When you are all talk and no action we set ourselves up lacking credibility with others and our own thinking. Ex: “I am going back to school this fall”…yet we never go. “I am going to find a good job doing what I love”….yet we never even look. “I am going to get involved in school, church, projects etc”…..yet we never take the first step. Building credible thoughts through exercises, books, positive programs, daily devotionals, bible study, lunch groups, professional organizations and continuing education paves the way for success.

 

Surround yourself with who and what you love and turn your life’s most tragic blows into triumph for yourself and for those around you!